In Memory
by goodfellalove
Summary: The moments after Shepard loses the one person close to her during hard times, Thane Krios.


I was angry that Thane's death was so undermined by Shepard and the squad mates that I wrote something to excuse everyone's behavior in ME3. Idk, basically what I thought happened under the radar that no one would've noticed.

In Memory

Shepard staggered out of that hospital room, the pain in her chest so profound that she couldn't breathe. She wasn't crying and that alone was infuriating her. She wanted to grieve, wanted everyone to see just how hurt she was. But the tears never came.

In a numb stupor, she walked to the elevator without a sound ever escaping her lips. She still felt like she wasn't breathing. Huerta Memorial was oddly quiet. She was sure that it was clamoring with noise but she couldn't hear anything. It reminded her of the explosions that so often impaired her hearing when she was on the field. Only she was hit with something worse than a missile this time. Her eyes drifted over the seat by the window where Thane used to sit and the ache in her chest intensified. Veering off into that direction now, she sat in his seat and crossed her legs. She looked out the window and neatly folded her arms above her lap while she consumed herself in the memories of her lover. This is where she became envious of the Drell's vivid memories. She wanted that same experience as she remembered him.

Her gaze wasn't focused on anything in particular. The wreckage of the recent attack didn't deter her while she thought of him. But she wanted to close her eyes and feel him again. If she thought really hard, she felt a lingering heat from the seat. She liked to imagine that Thane was sitting here not too long ago and he was waiting for her at the ship for another night in her cabin. If she thought really hard, she could still smell him hanging around the air. Christ, had he really been sitting in this very seat a couple of days ago?

A nurse decided to come up to Shepard and lay a cautious arm on her shoulder. Bless her soul, she was the only one in this hospital that realized she wasn't okay. The hardy all-glorious Commander Shepard was sitting in the middle of a bustling hospital after saving everyone's lives again and she was grieving. But she _didn't _save everyone. "Commander?" The Nurse spoke softly, as though she were afraid being loud would startle her. Bless her. She was afraid _the _Commander Shepard would be startled by loud noises. Shepard looked up at her and met her worried blue eyes with her own. Shrugging off the hand on her shoulder, she stood up to make her way towards the elevator again.

Her breath was still caught in her throat. Everything felt so surreal and out of place as she walked through the groaning patients on the floor. The sound was coming back to her slowly. Things still sounded muted. She finally reached the elevator and heard a faint murmur of a robotic voice. _Spectre status recognized. _She didn't realize she had directed herself to the Normandy Dock Bay. She was ready to go, not caring to look around the Citadel to see if everyone was alright after the attack. She wanted to feel selfish for once. For once she wanted to be the one sought out for but the one person she wanted to find her was gone.

She was just about to enter the loading bay until Kaidan stopped her. She watched him carefully, watched as his lips moved but no sound really came to her. When he realized she wasn't responding, the Major gave her a look of concern. "Commander?" He asked sternly. "Commander I just wanted to talk to you about today."

There was still hope. Still hope that she would be comforted and there would be somebody that would cry with her. But Kaidan hardly knew a thing about him. Kaidan wanted to talk about himself and what he felt when she shot Udina. He has his priorities. She had hers. With sigh, she listened to him again and told him what he wanted to hear.

"Would you have pulled the trigger on me?"

"Never."

"Can I join you on the Normandy again?"

"Absolutely."

And they both moved on. She entered the Normandy and everyone patted her on the back. They all congratulated her and told her what a hero she was. With a faux smile she soaked it all in and hid her insecurities. She didn't tell them that she didn't feel like a hero. She didn't tell them that as selfish as it was, there was one person in the whole galaxy that she wanted to save and she failed. Things got quiet again so she made her way towards the crew deck to see if his name had been added to the wall. Garrus stood there and there was hope that she might be able to grieve with someone again. But then words spilled from his mouth and she was disappointed again.

"Glad to have Kaidan with us. I'm relieved we didn't have to add his name up on the wall with Ashley's."

Shepard was quiet. But there is a name added to that wall, she wanted to say, he was the best assassin you knew. He was with us! Her eyes were so obviously trained on his name that she was appalled he had even said that. She thought they were friends once. But then again, he was always a closeted man and Garrus stuck to his calibrations. They probably didn't speak to each other much. Regardless, she started getting angry. She bit her lip, bit the tears back, and nodded. She said something without really thinking but it seemed to please Garrus and the conversation ended. She walked away from him and stopped short at a door she had once been so familiar with. Life Support. How ironic that sounded now.

The door opened when she pressed her palm against the green pad. She felt the questioning glance from Garrus, who still stood in front of the Memorial and she wondered if he finally realized his mistake. Because he definitely did make a mistake. At least, she felt he did. She entered Life Support without looking back at him because ironically she wanted to be alone in this room. She hadn't entered this room before after getting the Normandy back. She never thought it necessary if he wasn't there. She slowly walked towards the table and realized it was exactly as it had been before. There was even a coffee mug that sat there as though it were waiting for him.

She stood there, staring at the white table for the longest of times until she felt a long breath escape from her lungs. It felt like she had been holding her breath the entire trip here because as soon as that breath left her lips, she started gasping. She started gulping in deep spouts of air like she was suffocating and starting sobbing her heart out. She sat in the chair directly in front of his and cried. All at once the memories flooded her and she struggled to fill her lungs. Her vision blurred and when she looked at his seat, she expected him to be there. She even left her hand on that same spot where he would so often hold it. She expected to hear "_**Time for me is short, siha, but any I have is yours to take."**_

She felt the betrayal of having him go gentle into that good night. She felt so utterly betrayed that he had been so accepting of death and that he left her during the near end of the world. Then she felt the guilt for wanting him to stay when he was so obviously suffering. She had felt the blame she put upon herself for actually taking his time. She felt the shame.

"_**It's freeing to find no requirements placed on me. No responsibilities, no fears. It is a good end to a life."**_

Those words replayed in her head while she kept asking herself why she didn't force him onto the Normandy. Why she didn't force Mordin to work on a cure for him instead of the genophage. Then she started crying because Mordin was gone too. And she realized that she had often told people that one loss is dwarfed by the loss of millions in this war. People had to get over it. And now here she had to live by those words. The great Shepard had to set an example for all of humanity. No, for the entire galaxy. In between the sobs, she let out a humorless laugh at that.

Her sobs quieted down after some long twenty minutes. She sat up, whimpering while wiping at her eyes. Her hand stayed in that same spot the entire time and she could've sworn she felt him hold it. As she waited there in that familiar seat that felt so alien now, she remembered some of his most recent words.

"_**It seems there will be no one to mourn me when I die." **_

Shepard stood up, staring at where he should've been. _That's not true, _she wanted to say. _I will be there. _But now that she thought about it, she realized that this was something he might not have wanted. He wanted to go quietly like the assassin he was. He didn't want to have his siha shrieking and crying over him. She smiled a little. It looked so misplaced in her blotchy tearful face but it was genuine. She looked up from his seat and closed her eyes again, trying to remember the feel of his lips upon hers as she surrounded herself in the memory of him.

"Meet you across the sea, Thane."

She walked out of the Life Support area, not bothering to hide the fresh signs of her tears as she walked to her cabin. The elevator doors opened for her, she walked in and pressed a button, and everyone moved on.


End file.
